ICYMI: I’m working through a list of 10 things I’ve always wanted to do but don’t want to put off any longer. It’s not a bucket list. It started as an after-40 list. Now it’s sort of become a post-trauma list.
If you’re new here, make sure you read this post and this one to catch up.
No. 1: Wear a two-piece swimsuit in public.
Bikini bodies on the beach
We took a lot of summer vacations to Florida when I was younger, and even as a teen, I felt inferior to the bikini bodies I saw on the beach. Years later, after I’d had two kids, my inferiority complex turned bitter. I didn’t hate the bikini-clad beauties on the beach but I remember having a “just you wait” attitude. Like, enjoy it now, bitches, because childbirth ruins your body.
Healthy, I know.
The one time I bought a two-piece, I was going on spring break with my college boyfriend. It was a leap for me to buy a two-piece, and it wasn’t skimpy by any means, but it was more revealing than I’d ever felt comfortable in before. I bought it for him, not for me, because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
The next time I buy a two-piece, I want it to be for me.
How to get a bikini body
Which brings me to this first step on the list. It wasn’t planned to be the first thing, but it was the most doable, and I found myself a little bit paralyzed by inaction. If I didn’t attempt something on my list soon, I might not do the list at all.
So when a friend invited me and the kids to the pool, I knew this was the time.
Except that if I’m being honest about my body, now is definitely not the time. Recovering from a medical emergency and being unable to exercise the way you want to isn’t exactly conducive to having a body ready for a two-piece.
But if I can’t attempt to love my body now, when I feel like I’m at my heaviest, then I might never be able to love it.
Shopping for swimwear
On the Monday before our planned pool date, I went shopping. I’m not sure if my current swimsuit even fits me, so I might have needed a new one anyway.
I was a little bit nervous and almost chickened out. But this whole experiment is to force me to do the things that scare me, the things I easily push off for someday or next year or next time. It’s about the effort and the intention. No condemnation if I don’t complete what I set out to do.
Since it’s July, swimwear is on sale and not prominently displayed, so I had to ask where it was. I picked out three different designs and headed off to the fitting rooms. This is usually my least favorite part, and while I can’t say I loved my time in front of the three-way mirrors, I also didn’t let it get me down. My body is what it is now, and besides, why would they make two-piece swimming suits in a XXL if there weren’t bodies out there to wear them?
The first two I tried on, I liked the patterns, but they weren’t a good fit. Just because I’m buying a two-piece doesn’t mean I have to be uncomfortable. The third one, the bottoms fit well and the top was pretty, but it was strapless (a strap was included) and I was going to need to attach it to get the right fit. Plus, together, it still looked like a one-piece as far as coverage goes. So, technically I would be wearing a two-piece without showing any midriff skin.
I returned the other two sets to the rack and kept these two pieces but continued to think about. After doing some other shopping, I went back to the swimming suits to see if I could find a better top. This time, I found one that matched the bottoms. I think I could have mixed and matched, but I liked the coverage area of this top better. So, it was back to the fitting rooms.
It worked, and I actually kind of loved it. Would it be a stretch out of my comfort zone to wear this in public? Yes. My stretch marks would be visible, but I had to remind myself that I inhabit a real body with real scars and evidence of life. Perfectly tanned and toned bodies only exist in movies and magazines and those aren’t real anyway. Everyone, no matter how they look to others, finds flaws with their body.
The big reveal
On Wednesday, we had our pool date with a friend and her two boys. I thought about how I was going to approach this unveiling of my body to the world. I tend to address awkward situations with over-the-top humor or drama, but that didn’t seem right for this occasion. I thought about saying nothing and just letting it happen but when I do that I feel like there’s this elephant in the room and no one is talking about it so it gets weirder as time goes on.
We arrived at the pool at the same time as our friends and I got my son set with sunscreen and my daughter set with her food since she had just come from babysitting. The pool wasn’t overly busy and I didn’t know anyone there besides our friends. I stalled by going to the bathroom, where I discovered that wearing a two-piece makes going to the bathroom much easier for ladies. Who knew?
I psyched myself up on the walk back to where we’d set up.
“Are you ready for this?” I asked my daughter, who had only seen the swimsuit in my hands at the checkout. Then I turned to my friend and explained what was going on.
“You’re about to see growth happen live and in person.”
I dropped my shorts and then took off my tank top and started spraying myself with sunscreen. My daughter approved of the suit. My friend applauded my bravery, although I’m not sure brave is what I was feeling.
She’s the friend who introduced me to the concept of post-traumatic growth. I had to look it up to get a proper definition. Psychology Today describes it like this: “the positive psychological change that some individuals experience after a life crisis or traumatic event. Post-traumatic growth doesn't deny deep distress, but rather posits that adversity can unintentionally yield changes in understanding oneself, others, and the world.”
I guess that’s where I’m at.
After applying sunscreen, I sat down. The kids had gone to the water, but I wasn’t ready yet. I’m not much of a pool person to begin with, but I’ll go once in a while for my kids who are. I’d rather be poolside reading a book or chatting. But it started to get hot, so it was time to head to the water. We walked to the shallow end where you can gradually enter the pool. I felt a little self-conscious as I walked around baring my body to the world, but if anyone else noticed or cared, I didn’t notice. I was not the only person there in a two-piece nor was I the only mom in a two-piece. I did take notice of the ages of people wearing two-piece suits and the kinds of suits other people were wearing, including a man with a large belly walking enjoying the pool shirtless. There was no reason for me to feel out of place in my two-piece suit.
We got in the water, and I frequently checked to make sure I wasn’t exposing myself to anyone, including the small children splashing around nearby. For the most part, my inaugural wearing of the two-piece suit was uneventful. I felt comfortable and free and more accepting of my body and its place in the world.
Pictures or it didn’t happen?
Before I’d gotten in the water, I asked my daughter to take a picture of me.
“Is that for dad?” my son asked.
I rolled my eyes and said no, it was proof that it happened.
I did text it to my husband because he knows of my growth goals over the next year. I also texted my friend Beth who lives in Arizona.
Years ago when her family still lived in Pennsylvania, our two families took a beach vacation together to Cape May, New Jersey. It’s still one of the highlights of my life. One day, the dads took the kids up to a different city in New Jersey to enjoy the boardwalk and give us moms some quieter beach time. I remember watching some women with larger bodies walk around in their bikinis. Both of us wondered where they got the confidence. Now, here I was quite a few years later walking around the pool in a two-piece as if I didn’t care.
“I can’t say I was 100 percent confident about this but here I am,” I texted her.
She texted back with encouraging words that made my heart soar.
My husband replied that he couldn’t find the drool emoji, which made me laugh.
We spent about four hours at the pool and only for a short time of that was I covered up. I was afraid when I sought out to do this that I would unveil my two-piece for a few minutes, declare that I’d “technically” done what I set out to do and then put my clothes back on. Instead, I took my as-is body to the pool in a swimsuit I never thought I’d buy and I enjoyed myself as if what I wore on my body didn’t matter.
I can’t say that after this I’m totally okay with my body or that I love it completely the way it is, but I took a step that made me uncomfortable and I lived to tell about it.
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